When a relationship ends abruptly or painfully — maybe after betrayal, ghosting, or a fight that never got resolved — it’s natural to want closure. You want the other person to explain what happened, to admit their mistakes, or at least to acknowledge your pain.
But here’s the truth: closure, in the way most people imagine it, often doesn’t exist. And waiting for someone else to “give” it to you can keep you stuck in the very hurt you’re trying to escape.
Why We Crave Closure
Closure is really about our brain’s desire for a complete story. Psychologists call it the need for cognitive closure — the urge to resolve uncertainty and feel a sense of finality.
When someone leaves without explaining or changes the narrative to protect themselves, it creates a mental “open loop” that feels unbearable. Our minds believe that if we could just get the missing piece of information, we’d finally be able to let go.
In reality, even when we get an explanation, it rarely feels satisfying enough to take away the pain.
The Problem With Chasing Closure
- It Gives Power to the Other Person: You’re relying on someone else’s words or actions to decide when you can heal — which keeps you in an emotional waiting room.
- It Can Reopen Old Wounds: Reaching out for closure often leads to rehashing arguments, hearing hurtful things, or getting no reply at all.
- It Distracts From the Real Work: The healing you need comes from processing your own emotions, not from someone else’s version of events.
What Closure Really Means
Closure isn’t a conversation with your ex — it’s an internal shift where you decide the story is complete, even without all the answers.
It means accepting that some things will remain unclear, letting go of the need for them to admit fault, and finding your own meaning and peace.
How to Move On Without Their Closure
Write Your Own Ending
Grab a journal and write the “last chapter” of the relationship from your perspective. Include what you learned, how you’ve grown, and why the relationship ending was ultimately the right step for you.
Process the Emotions With Support
Whether it’s with a therapist, trusted friend, or support group, talk through the grief, anger, and confusion. Naming your feelings out loud helps your brain start to process and release them.
Create Rituals of Letting Go
Symbolic actions like deleting messages, returning belongings, or writing an unsent letter can help mark an emotional shift.
Focus on Self-Repair, Not Answers
Instead of replaying the “why” over and over, ask: What do I need right now to feel supported? What boundaries will I set moving forward?
When You Still Feel Pulled Back
It’s normal to have moments where you want to reach out again. When that urge hits, pause and remind yourself:
– The person who hurt you may not be capable of giving the closure you want.
– You have the power to close this chapter on your own terms.
How Therapy Can Help
In therapy, we can help you process the unanswered questions, make peace with the unknown, and rebuild trust in yourself so that future relationships feel healthier and more secure.
You don’t have to wait for them to give you permission to move on — fill out our quick form below to schedule your free consultation today!
