The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for many couples, this season brings more pressure than peace. Extra spending, packed schedules, family expectations, and unfinished emotional business can all push your nervous system to its limits—and your relationship can feel the impact.
In my work with couples, I see holiday stress show up as short tempers, repeated arguments, and feeling like you’re on opposite teams. The good news: with a few intentional shifts, you and your partner can navigate this season together instead of turning on each other.
Why Holidays Can Be So Hard on Relationships
Holiday stress isn’t just “in your head.” There are real factors at play:
- Increased demands: Parties, travel, school events, and family gatherings pull on your time and energy.
- Financial pressure: Gifts, travel, and special meals can trigger anxiety about money.
- Old patterns: Being around family can unconsciously bring you back into childhood roles or unresolved dynamics.
- Unspoken expectations: You may each have different ideas of what the holidays “should” look like.
All of this activates your nervous system. When your stress response kicks in, your body is more ready to fight, flee, or shut down than to calmly problem-solve or connect. That’s often when small disagreements become bigger fights.
Common Holiday Stress Traps for Couples
Here are a few patterns I see often:
- Overcommitting: Saying yes to every invite and ending up exhausted and resentful.
- Not talking about money: One partner spends freely, the other is quietly panicking.
- Different holiday expectations: One wants big gatherings, the other wants quiet time.
- Taking stress out on each other: Instead of saying, “I’m overwhelmed,” it comes out as criticism or withdrawal.
You’re not “failing” as a couple if these show up. They’re signals that your stress is higher than your system can comfortably manage.
Step 1: Have a Realistic Holiday Planning Conversation
Instead of sliding into the season on autopilot, sit down and have a direct, calm conversation. I encourage couples to talk through:
- What’s essential for each of you?
- “I really want time with my family.”
- “I need at least one quiet day at home.”
- What can be optional or skipped this year?
- Do you really need to attend every event?
- Can you alternate which family you spend time with each year?
- What are the limits on time, money, and energy?
- Set a spending limit you both agree on.
- Block off rest time on the calendar just like any other commitment.
Putting this into words reduces guesswork and resentment. You’re making decisions as a team instead of reacting in the moment.
Step 2: Use “Team Language” Instead of Blame
When you’re stressed, it’s easy to slip into “you always” and “you never.” That usually pulls your partner into defensiveness.
Try shifting into team-focused language:
- Instead of: “You’re making the holidays more stressful.”
Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we sit down and look at our plans together?” - Instead of: “You don’t care about my family.”
Try: “I’d really like to see my family, and I’m also hearing you need downtime. Let’s see how we can make space for both.”
The message becomes: We’re on the same side, facing this problem together.
Step 3: Protect Your Nervous System as a Couple
When your nervous system is ramped up, your ability to stay calm and connected goes down. Simple regulation tools can make a big difference:
- Schedule mini breaks: Even 5–10 minutes alone to breathe, stretch, or walk can reset your system.
- Create a grounding ritual together:
- A short walk after family visits
- Holding hands and taking three slow breaths together in the car before going to a gathering
- Agreeing on a code word if either of you needs a quick break
- Sleep and food matter: Being underslept and under-fed makes conflict more likely. This isn’t about perfection—just awareness.
Step 4: Set Clear Boundaries Around Family Dynamics
Family gatherings can stir up old hurts, criticism, or uncomfortable topics. Before you go:
- Decide together what topics are off-limits (politics, parenting choices, etc.).
- Agree on how you’ll support each other if someone oversteps. For example:
- Changing the subject
- Leaving the room together
- Cutting a visit short if needed
You’re not responsible for fixing your family. You are allowed to protect your relationship and your peace.
Step 5: Make Space for Your Relationship, Not Just the Holiday
It’s easy to become “project managers of the holidays” and forget to be partners.
I encourage couples to:
- Schedule at least one small moment just for the two of you: a quiet coffee, a short walk, or 20 minutes on the couch with phones put away.
- Ask each other: “How are you really doing?” and listen without problem-solving right away.
- Remember small acts of affection: a hand on the shoulder, a hug in the kitchen, a simple “thank you for doing all this.”
These little moments signal safety to your nervous system and keep your bond stronger than the stress.
How Therapy Can Help During the Holidays
If the holidays tend to bring out the worst in your relationship, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. Sometimes, the extra stress simply exposes patterns that were already there.
In couples therapy, we can:
- Map out the patterns you fall into under stress
- Learn tools to regulate your body and nervous system together
- Practice calmer, clearer communication—especially around family, money, and time
- Create a plan for this season that feels more connected and less chaotic
You don’t have to wait for a crisis. Getting support during a stressful time like the holidays can be a powerful way to protect your relationship long-term. Fill out our form below to schedule your free consultation.
