The holidays tend to bring up images of warmth, celebration, and togetherness. But if you or your partner is grieving after a death, a breakup, or a major life change, the season can feel like a spotlight on what’s missing.
Many couples tell me, “Everyone expects us to be cheerful, but we’re still hurting.” You might feel guilty for not being “festive enough,” or resentful that the world seems to be moving on.
If that’s you, I want you to know nothing is “wrong” with you. Grief doesn’t take a holiday break, and it doesn’t follow a schedule.
Grief Can Look Different for Each Partner
One of the first things I work on with couples is recognizing that grief doesn’t look the same for everyone:
- One partner may cry often, the other may stay busy and practical.
- One might want to talk and remember, the other might want quiet and distraction.
- One might want to keep traditions exactly the same, the other might find them too painful.
Neither style is “right” or “wrong.” They’re both nervous system responses to pain. The challenge is not letting those differences turn into judgment or distance.
Try naming your styles out loud:
- “When I’m grieving, I tend to shut down and go quiet.”
- “When I’m grieving, I really need to talk about it.”
This helps you understand each other, instead of assuming your partner doesn’t care.
Acknowledge That the Holidays May Feel Different This Year
You don’t have to pretend everything is normal.
As a couple, it can help to say something like:
- “This year is going to feel different without them.”
- “It makes sense that we’re both more sensitive right now.”
Simply naming the reality can soften tension and reduce the pressure to perform or “act fine.”
Give Each Other Permission to Grieve Differently
It’s common to feel frustrated when your partner grieves in a different way or on a different timeline. You might think:
- “Why aren’t they crying? Do they even care?”
- “Why are they still so sad? Shouldn’t we be over this by now?”
Instead of making assumptions, try curiosity:
- “When you get quiet, what’s happening for you inside?”
- “What feels hardest about this time of year for you?”
You don’t need to fix their feelings. Just listening with respect can be incredibly healing.
Adjust Expectations & Traditions
It’s okay if this year doesn’t look like past years.
Together, talk about:
What feels too painful or overwhelming this year?
Certain gatherings, locations, or traditions might be too much, and that doesn’t mean you’ll never do them again, it just means not this year.
What do you want to keep or adapt?
You might keep one small tradition that connects you to the person you lost, while simplifying or changing others.
What new rituals do you want to create?
Some ideas:
- Lighting a candle together for the person you lost
- Setting aside a few minutes to share memories
- Doing something your loved one enjoyed in their honor
- The goal isn’t to “replace” the person or the past, but to gently integrate your grief into the present.
Take Care of Your Bodies, Not Just Your To-Do List
Grief is not only emotional—it’s physical. You may feel exhausted, tense, foggy, or restless. During the holidays, this can be amplified by travel, alcohol, late nights, and disrupted routines.
As a couple, you can support each other by:
- Encouraging rest without guilt
- Eating regularly, even if appetite is low
- Limiting obligations that drain you
- Allowing some quiet time each day to check in with yourselves
You don’t have to “maximize” the season. Simply getting through with compassion for yourselves is enough.
When One of You Is Grieving More Deeply
Sometimes one partner is more directly affected by a loss—like the death of a parent, sibling, or close friend—while the other feels more like a supporter.
If you’re the supporting partner:
- Be gentle with your expectations. Energy, patience, and interest in social events may be very limited.
- Ask simple, open questions: “What would feel most supportive today?”
- Offer specific help: “Would you like me to handle the gift-buying this year?” rather than “Let me know if you need anything.”
If you’re the partner who is grieving more intensely:
- It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what I need, but I don’t want to do this alone.”
- You can request small things: more hugs, quiet time together, or help saying no to certain plans.
How Couples Therapy Can Support You Through Grief and the Holidays
Grief is challenging on its own. Grieving and trying to maintain a relationship in a holiday season that demands cheer can feel like too much.
In therapy, we can:
- Make space for both of your grief experiences without comparison
- Help you communicate your needs more clearly
- Explore how grief is impacting your nervous system, your intimacy, and your daily life
- Create a plan for the holidays that honors your loss and respects your limits
You don’t have to “hold it together” alone. Getting support is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign that you’re taking your pain, your relationship, and your healing seriously.
